Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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