how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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