Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.