Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off