you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
