My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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