We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
