I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
