You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
