the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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