fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
