he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
