i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
