I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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