so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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