he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
