i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
