He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
