just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
