He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
