I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
