he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
