If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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