We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
