you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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