She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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