Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
