I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
