6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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