my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
