I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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