My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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