Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
