I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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