Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
