Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
