my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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