plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
