A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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