We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
