Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
