I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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