sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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