I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
