when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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