The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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