So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
