He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
