I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
only you would photoshop your dick
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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