I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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