respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
