I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
