cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
