can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This house was built for laser tag.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
