i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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