I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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